This is me. Nutshell & All.

I am a free spirit and nomadic. I would probably just take-off for parts unknown, but I usually have some complex relationship issues to deal with, so I don’t. But I like time alone and tend to keep a good distance from most people.. and by most, I mean everyone. I have my own set of rules in life that has developed from my own unique perspective on things and I tend to take an experimental approach to many areas. Doesn’t scare me a bit. I am a perfectionist and exacting. I tend to think in rigid patterns, making me stubborn. I have never given up on love, but I don’t always look for it. Love begets love. If you don’t think well of yourself, you can’t be positively affected by the person who is celebrating you for the specialness you don’t believe you have. I am very particular about those I date. I love strange and weird. The less my partner is like other people, the more I like it. I am haunted by my dreams. After seventeen years of nightmares, I have simply learned to avoid sleep as much as possible. ..until I collapse. There is an escapist side to me. On a more positive level, I am concerned with making the world a better place and I only appear to be an escapist to others. Sometimes, I forget to save myself first. Each of us reacts to the world around us in different ways. Our reactions both attract and repel us from things, people, and situations. What we like, what we like to do, and who we really are. I am well-liked, which is kind of interesting since I tend to bend the rules frequently. I know a lot of people, but I keep very few as friends. Groups of people can be hard for me to handle. I tend to stick with one person or stay out of everyone’s sight, even in a room full of friends. Beneath the surface, I am a person who is consistent in belief and very loyal. I will continue with a project for years, but just shows that I can also be extremely stubborn. No matter how unconventional my lifestyle, once committed to it, I am there for life. One thing I find uncomfortable is competition. I will compete when necessary, and can be very serious about such things, but usually I try to avoid it. Competition with myself is more my style. Being a team-player can be a real test for me. Most people remark on their first impression of me as intense and passionate, which I enjoy. I am not someone that most people should fear, but a few should. I welcome reminders to chill-out and often take time-outs. I am cynical of authority and don’t trust the police or leaders. I believe in real freedom. Does anyone know what that is? I do. I’m not likely to ever follow rules that are not my own. I don’t care who you are. I don’t have a sense of humor that I am aware of. At least that’s what I tell people when I don’t think they are funny. I find humor in the little things and enjoy dark comedies. I’m very silly when I’m happy. I’ve spent most of my life trying to prove that life isn’t absurd. I have something on the tip of my tongue. Doesn’t really matter what it is. The “answer” perhaps. I know that I can change reality. My pain can blot out the sun. My anger can paint the sky red. My emotions can take a mountain and turn it into a valley. I’m less concerned about fitting into the world, than I am with understanding it. Given enough time I can pull the moon from its orbit and attach a leash. I know that I’m not here to change you. I’m here to change me. To treat others the way you wish to be treated is an understatement. It’s not as simple as showing love when it’s given. It’s as complicated as giving love, trusting that it is returned. There is only one currency for my loyalty, which is yours. I’m nice.. and I shouldn’t be. I know the difference between how I am treated and how I should be. I’m not angry. I’m pissed off.. not to worry, I’ll watch the body of my enemy float by as I sit on the river.

poserland 101

“people come & go like rain, sometimes you forget their name, but there’s always one, just one that stays the same, the one you can confide in, have pride in, it’s all apart of the little thing called love”

-me

that’s the chorus of my song i’m working on for the talent show at my church…and uhh, to explain my title, that’s the title of my book that i’m writing. i already got the first chapter almost done. (:

there’s nothing else going on. i guess this blog was probably pointless, but i think i just might turn it into my book blog and type out the first chapters of my book.

screaming silently in my room

how can someone hate so much? how can someone just sit there and talk so bad about someone? how can someone sit there and say, in such a rude tone, that you’re not a good person and that you’re not a good worker? how did this world get so bad that there’s more hate than there is love? i mean, don’t get me wrong - i say things about people, and recently more than i should’ve, but not to the extent where i keep going. normally, when i dislike people, i ignore them or i don’t even bring their name up…but they just keep going like the energizer bunny. everyone always says “they talk about you because of their own insecurities”, but how does that make someone’s insecurities any more sercure? how does that make the person any more secure? they’ll still be the same insecure immature person. my only real question is how can someone do that? how can someone’s heart be filled with so much hate that they can do that? our next generation is going to make our murder rates, crime rates, hate crime rates sky rocket, because of who? because of our own hatred being shown to the world. example: i heard a three year old boy in walmart calling a black person a “nigger” & his mom just laughed. it’s parents like those who are going to drill our next generation into a hole. i recently got involved in a childish fight with two sixteen year olds & they were so cold and so cruel like they had no heart…especially to people who did NOTHING to them. they say to someone in real life, they won’t be able to walk down the street without getting yelled at. getting attacked. one says “at least i’m pretty” - you may be pretty, but give it a few years. eventually all the bad stuff is going to catch up with her, all the hatred she exhibited, all the things she said and did that made her ugly on the inside, is going to make her ugly on the outside. i believe what goes around comes around - karma, really.

since i’ve strayed from the computer, i’ve been much happier. i’ve smiled longer. laughed harder. cried less. gotten angry less. 

this is all eventually going to come to the end.
the friendships are going to wither. the relationships are going to come to an abrupt halt. the enemies you once had you just say “i forgive you” then leave it at that.

summer’s almost over.
my question is: when it’s all over, will you still have the friends you’ve gotten so close or will it be another “once upon a time…”?

I’m a copycat, I guess

this is my way of letting people know how i feel about them, without putting any names so that no one feels compeled to try and take some vegenance against me - but in all honesty, it wouldn’t matter…

dear you,
ah, you. i remember a while back, we were once really close friends. i didn’t consider us best friends, because best friends didn’t even describe us. sisters? nah, that couldn’t describe us either. we never fought, which is pretty surprising, i’ll have you know. we were pretty much always serious, but there was a feeling deep in the pit of my soul that you were there if i needed anything & vice versa. from laffy taffy jokes to wearing big yellow t-shirts to dancing wildly in the middle of the road. if we lived closer, we would’ve already done it…the things, i mean, and not IT it. haha. i really love you & i was always the baby in my family, but ally stated: you’re like the little sister i never had that i always wanted so i just wanted you to know that i will always be here for you. some people have lost an amazing friend with an amazing personality, because i know i’m not the only one - but a sense of warmth comes from you.
love me

dear you,
there’s a ton of things i can say about your personality, the good & the bad, but i think i’ll just stay with the good, haha. once upon a time we were really close, then things happened then we weren’t then we were then we weren’t. pretty much an up & down. you were my first real true BEST friend on here, and how i knew was how you kept it so true blue since it started. i believed something that definitely wasn’t true and that cost me hurting you AND trust me…that was not something on my list. later, we decided or i needed to talk it through with you, because i definitely didn’t want you to go through our life hating me because of a slight misjudgment. “you were becoming someone i would want nothing to do with” was what i heard and hearing it just made it ten times worse; of course negative things came from you to me, but in the end - i think no matter how someone tries to keep us apart, we’ll always end up becoming back friends. and it’s not because i think you’re easy to walk all over or it’s not because you’re too forgiving. but because you have the integerity that most people your age don’t. you have the heart of a lion and the stubbornness of a mule. i like how you were still there for me in my times of need when i already hurt you so bad, it would’ve been easy for you to say PEACE OUT so in conclusion i hope we’ll be friends for a long long time, and i know we probably will be because you do only live an hour away so i can come up there and kick your ba-donk-a-donk if you decide to ever stop being my friend.
love me

dear you,
well, well, well…there’s a ton of things i can say about you…again: the good & the bad. so here i go: you’re insane yet sane, you’re mean yet so nice, you’re pretty yet so different. those are words that contradict one another, but they’re all true. life gives us different people & you’re one of them. you’re my best friend in a different state; obviously i have a best friend here…oh wait! my invisible friends, but you’re the best friend that i know i have somewhere else if i need to just get away. like you stated, we have been through our ups and downs…before the storm. wow, songs really do fit in when trying to describe things. but honestly, you are a little paranoid, but i wouldn’t change it for the world. “everything you dislike or hate about someone is the same things you love & wouldn’t change for the world” - that quote is full of truth. i wouldn’t change your paranoidness, your craziness, your annoyingness, your ability to sing everytime we’re on the phone for a good 4 hours straight, your interuppting when someone else is trying to talk…haha…they’re all things i dislike, but wouldn’t change. they make you who you are, they make you you, so if you change it, you’ll be like everyone else and that’s not good. we’ve got so many inside jokes that would be beyond anyone’s comprehension or ones that they don’t find funny. i.e. the fact we stayed on the phone for 11 hours just because we were laughing at the fact i was choking on a cheeto, the fact that we find “FAHEEM NAJEEM” so hilarious that we can’t breathe. i love you & don’t ever change, except i MEAN that. it’s not just another yearbook signing.
love me.

i have a ton of others friends that make me happy, but these three are pretty much the closest ones i have on here. but i’m not going to write anything bad about anyone or if i dislike/hate your actions, i’m not putting you on here…only because i got rid of all the negative people in my life and surrounded myself with only positive influences.